I poked my head through the open door to the back just in time to overhear him say to a coworker, “I always go to my boyfriend’s after work”. He wasn’t anywhere sight and the girl at the register said he was in the back room. I showed up at the flower shop one day on a whim, thinking of buying a lily just for myself. Several times, when we hung around drinking cokes and eating chips together, I stood to go put something in the trash or go to the bathroom, but the real reason I was getting up was all about spinning around and trying to catch him looking at my ass. He wasn’t looking at them when we were hanging out, but unfortunately he wasn’t looking at me either. They told me to keep it up.Īfter the first few weeks, the first significant thing I discovered-or finally realized-about Zander was that he didn’t like girls.
I started doing the same thing with everyone at school, and a few of my teachers took notice that there was less of the usual distracting drama surrounding me. I learned to control myself for his sake so that he would want to be around me. What did I want to do and what kind of outcome could I expect? Sometimes I still said yes to my impulses, but it was always a careful choice. If I had an impulse to tell him too much, ask too many questions, or assume too much, I would stop and ask myself what I really wanted to say, if anything. I couldn’t blurt out all the things I was curious about though. There was something about him I couldn’t define and I wanted to figure it out. He would shut down and find an excuse to leave if I asked for too many details about his life. I’d had to be steady in order to study him and not spook him. “Earth to Zan!”Īs for me, I was in control of myself for the first time in my life. I would snap my fingers in front of his face. He’d stopped having those awkward moments where his eyes traveled all over our surroundings as if he were looking at something beyond the walls or buildings. Since then, he’d grown to be less intense. He’d seemed hyperaware, nervous, on the day we went to the tree, but his gestures and speech had been relaxed and confident. Maybe he had changed too since the day we’d met. He hadn’t acted like he wanted anything but a friend that first day, but still, his eyes had been intent on me.
I’d thought he was checking me out, but it was mostly my facial features and hair he was staring at. The way Zander had looked at me when we met…well, shit. My emotions, my actions were out of my control and nothing changed because I didn’t know how to change myself. I knew if I could do that, I might be able to hang out with better people. Think first, talk second-that’s what everyone told me. I’d always thought I would grow up and get my shit together so nicely that I’d stop doing that mortifying stuff. Since I was little, I’ve had no filter and said whatever stupid, awkward nonsense I was thinking.
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